Mom’s Celebrity Knowledge

While I was in Michigan, I had a chance to get a taste of Mom’s celebrity knowledge. It’s easy to overlook mom’s pop culture knowledge because, honestly, it is pretty slim. She probably thinks Richard Gere is a huge box office draw and feels like “My Heart Will Go On” is the top song of the year. However, on occasion her limited grasp of various famous people and what’s happening to them is pretty amusing. A few examples:

On Chaz Bono:

Me: “Mom, do you watch Dancing with the Stars?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “Who’s left?”

Mom: “Oh, I don’t know.”

Me: “What did you think of Chaz Bono’s dancing?”

Mom: “Ugh, disgusting.”

I brace myself, preparing for my mom to talk negatively about Chaz’s sexual reassignment surgery and how he used to be female. Seeing as how Mom appears grossed out, I figure that’s the logical direction she’s going.

Me: “What do you mean?”

Mom: “He sooooo fat! Spinnin’ on dance floor with belly jiggling. He shake one buttcheek 150 lbs, other buttcheek 150 lbs. Nasty.”

Me, laughing: “So you don’t like him because he’s fat?” Not where I thought she’d go, but I’m nonetheless not surprised, just slightly relieved.

On the Kardashians:

Me: “Mom, do you know who the Kardashians are?”

Mom: “Yeah, they models or something. Sisters and brother? They think they so sheck-shee!”

Me, chuckling: “Sheck-shee?”

Mom: “Yeah, they strut around, think they so sheck-shee and hot.”

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Mom: “Model, right?”

Me: “No, one of them had a sex tape. That’s how she became famous.”

Mom: “Oh…how come this washing machine no work right?!”

It wasn’t an awkward attempt to change the subject; Mom truly thought the malfunctioning washing machine was more interesting than the Kardashians. If only the rest of America agreed with her.

On Pat Sajak:

Mom’s making tea while Wheel of Fortune is on in the kitchen. My boyfriend and I are half watching, half stuffing our faces with food.

Mom: “That Pat Sajak, he a smart-mouth.”

I stop shoveling and look up, perplexed.

Me: “What?”

Mom, matter-of-factly: “He smart-mouth!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘smart-mouth’?”

Mom, indignant: “He smart-mouth!” [mimicking Pat Sajak] “Whut’re yuh gonna do, you’ve got two thou-sand dollars you wanna buy uh vowel?”

Jason and I are cracking up. Pat Sajak of all people pisses my mom off. Who knew?

Me: “What do you think of Alex Trebek?”

Mom: “He okay. Trebek okay. Sajak smart-mouth.”

I would have guessed that Trebek would be more of a smart-mouth, but to each his own. Sajak, you’ve wronged my mom somehow with your smart-mouth ways.